TOOTHACHE

Amazingly, as soon as we returned from Cropredy, the e-mails started appearing from Toni’ regarding a ‘charity micro’ festival’ up in the wilds of North Bedfordshire.

Apparently she knew Jon Falconer and he’d recommended me to help find some more poets for this particular event…

That, I can do.

Grant is still out of action but I’m sure some of the others would be interested…

Yeah, right !

Not a glimmer.

Oh well, looks like it’s down to me and Jon, then ?

No problem.

If it all went according to plan then there would be two stages.

One for the main electric acts and one for acoustic acts and spoken word, unless of course somebody came forward with a donation to enable them to get another marquee, in which case us poets would have our own.

Being the tart that I am, I don’t care one way or another, but poetry only is never a really good idea unless you have a major headliner like John Cooper Clark or Attilla The Stockbroker or Pam Ayres…

Somebody reasonably well known for that sort of thing anyway ?

Otherwise you do tend to have problems creating an audience, therefore option one is favourite.

Back to work in the morning, and even Haddy is impressed.

She’d dumped the agency she was with since arriving on these shores, for not giving her any hours (One day in one month) and gone with another.

They’d texted her with an offer of four hours.

At least it’s a start.

You ever had toothache ?

I hadn’t.

Maybe I was one of the lucky ones, but Jeezus H Christ I was having problems…

I was in agony.

So…
A trip to the dentist who gives me a serious bollocking about not going to see him often enough, but at thirty five quid a throw twice a year, I think he’s taking the piss ?

Why bother them unless you need them ?

Now he was needed, but I can’t get an appointment until next week…

Well, I couldn’t take it.

I was down the local hospital Accident and Emergency…

They were going to have to do something because I was in agony.

Literally banging my head on the wall to put some pain somewhere else to think about ?

It took an hour but the emergency doctor saw me and gave me some pills for the time I needed before the dentist appointment.

Painkillers…

I tend to use paracetamol because I’m allergic to aspirin.

If I take aspirin I end up looking a dead ringer for a certain Mr John Merrick.

The Elephant Man.

My eyes and throat close up and I start looking more gruesome than usual.

Anyway, I got some painkillers and they saw me through the weekend because I wasn’t working…

Monday I arrive for work as usual, and everything is going ok until this old lady taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I’m feeling alright ?

‘Yes love, apart from the toothache… Why, what’s the matter ?’

‘Are you taking anything for it ?’ she asks.

‘Errr… Yeah… Why ?’

‘Because you are literally dancing with death in the traffic, dear…  You’ve literally walked out in front of two buses, three cars and a dustcart on a main road while I’ve been watching you...’

Oooops !

Hmmm… Maybe this codeine shit is a bit strong ?

I dunno, all I know is I’m on 60mg a whack ?

Oh fuck… I can see where this is going.

Ring the boss and tell him because otherwise I’m a total liability.

‘Excuse me, but could you please tell my boss what you’ve just told me ?’

Bless her… She did…

And I was immediately sent home.

Too stoned to work.

And legal too…

It means I won’t be doing any overtime over the bank holiday and that is seriously going to hurt financially and don’t I know it ?

Dentist Wednesday and I’m off until then.

‘Ok…  You are having two out, now hold on because this is going to hurt you more than it does me…’

I think I could have told him that ?

Christ !!!

That hurts.

There is no way I’m going back to work this week…

Which is what work told me anyway.

Two teeth together on the same side equals a double portion of AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH !

The dentist gives me more painkillers and now I understand what Buffy Sainte-Marie was singing about all those years ago…

And that was just one cod’ine…

I’m taking three.

Finally back to work after the bank holiday.

That festival is coming up in a couple of weeks…

I hope I can talk otherwise my set is going to be quite short ?